I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
