watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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