i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
