Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
