I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
