I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
