Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
