I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
