Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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