no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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