You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
