I didn't shave. On purpose
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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