What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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