i would punch a child for taco bell
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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