What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
