the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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