Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The adults are the big ones right?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
