she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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