Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
