I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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