honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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