I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
