i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
We need to rekindle our bromance
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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