i love accidental penises.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
