So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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