The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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