I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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