ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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