I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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