I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
