theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
