sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I want to fling myself into the sun
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
