How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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