I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
