Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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