i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
