Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
