They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
