I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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