A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
