I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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