sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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