It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
