i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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