I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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