i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
