So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
