Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
