You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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