Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
